70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
