At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize