apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
