Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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