I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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