Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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