i permit you to call me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize