I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
