My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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