My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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