Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
