Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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