I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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