New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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