Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
