I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
