I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
