there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
