can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
