My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize