I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
