Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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