Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
