i just wanna soil my oats bro
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
