Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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