I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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