i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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