She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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