why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
