I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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