my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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