If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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