you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
