it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
