you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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