i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
