Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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