Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
please come you make the beer taste better
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
