so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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