I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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