so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
