Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He did a backflip because drugs
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
