I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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