Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
