So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
