Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
