I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
