I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
