he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
