remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
