I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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