WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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