i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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