so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
