Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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