we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
