Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
