I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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